As many of you may know, over the last 2+ years I've gone through several relationship changes.  Ending a marriage, the process of divorce, meeting a new LPE (Life Partner Extraordinaire),  engaging in a long distance (US - UK) relationship and of course, the planning of a spontaneous wedding and celebration around Homeland Security's approval process and Visa window.

I've had many clients, collegues and friends ask me about relationship issues. I guess they assume I've been through all of this and I must have learned something!!

One of the most common questions are about issues about conflict -about how to resolve conflicts, what is considered too much conflict, and of course, the biggee, "Does this mean we have to get divorced?!" question. While I don't profess to know all those answers, I have learned quite a bit about being in a conscious loving relationship.  How to be aware of your intentions, what are triggers, how to communicate more lovingly, and how to clearly communicate each of your needs.  I am looking forward to offering Joyful Couples workshops once my sweetie arrives with his well-earned green card!

In the meantime, I thought you would enjoy an article from Kira McGovern. She is a fabulous relationship coach whose business is called The Bigger Groove.  Believe it or not, she was my/our coach through the divorce process.  I credit her for helping me and my previous husband set the framework for what we really wanted in our "new" relationship as co-parents. While we are not perfect and may stray off the path from time to time, having this common vision has really helped us connect to what we really want for our boys. We often get comments about our ability to get along and be helpful and supportive to each other.

Enjoy this new perspective on conflict.....

What If Conflict Were a Good Thing?

Many of us have negative associations with conflict. Often conflict is viewed as a red flag indicating that something is wrong with a relationship of ours, or more commonly, with the other person we're in disagreement with. So we look to assign blame to ourselves or someone else to locate "the problem."

Breathe easy, conflict is a good and natural occurrence. It can indicate "growing pains" of a healthy, evolving relationship.

Conflict has a way of catapulting relationships to a higher level of cooperation and aliveness, if we let it. Instead of being a warning sign that a relationship is doomed, it can be a catalyst for positive change and discovery.

So the first step to accessing the vein of gold in difficult conversations is to change your viewpoint -- "We're in conflict -- something good is on the other side!"

Conflict is a Signal for Something Else

Just as turning off the fire alarm doesn't put out the fire, avoiding conflict doesn't change the fact that there's something trying to express itself in your relationship.

Heated disagreements may point to a need to spend more time together, or it can create much needed space apart and independence. It can help surface important values, or aid in creating alignment around a common goal. We may discover that it's time to step out of the usual roles we've been playing, or change our expectations of how things need to be.

When we outgrow an old way of being together, it's time to reinvent and redesign our relationship. And, in some cases, the change that the conflict is pointing to, is that a relationship is ready to end, if we are willing to honor its gifts and let go.

Doing Conflict Differently

Imagine what might happen if you got curious -- even excited -- when challenging conversations occur. The rewards could mean more intimacy, deeper friendships, and improved working relationships.

Below are 5 steps to help you get curious and unearth the gems in the conflict.

1. Put aside the temptation to point blame and look for clues to reveal the hidden opportunity in the disagreement. If this situation were trying to get your attention about something completely unrelated to the problem, what might it be?
2. Ask about the dreams, wishes, or values that might be behind the conflict. "What's important about that for you?"
3. Speak openly and honestly about your own disappointed dreams or expectations that lie beneath your upset. "What I'm really upset about is..."
4. Make requests instead of complaints. Be clear and direct about what you DO want instead of complaining about what you don't like.
5. Find the 2% that's true in what the other person is saying. No one is entirely right, nor is someone entirely wrong. Find the common ground between your two truths.

And finally, trust yourself, the other person and the wisdom of what's happening in your relationship, even if you don't yet know where it will lead you.

When you seize the opportunity to be really honest about who you are and cultivate a willingness to discover what's really important to others, you'll experience more fulfillment in all your relationships.

Prepare for Conflict in Advance

When people come together, there's bound to be conflict and differences of opinion. It's totally normal, and needed for change and evolution. Knowing that, you can plan ahead and be prepared for the inevitable.

Use this article to create agreements for how you want to be with each other when it gets hard or messy with your spouse, boss, coworkers and friends before it happens. Remember that it's much easier to prepare for conflict when you're not knee-deep in it!

Conflict is a normal part of any relationship, and more often than not it doesn't signal that the end is near. Rather, conflict should be welcomed as a signal of what's trying to happen in a relationship, and as a pathway to improved communication and deeper understanding.

About Coaching and Kira

Coaching helps you move beyond your history and habits to create new possibilities for yourself. To learn more, go to What is Coaching?

Kira McGovern, CPCC is at the forefront of the relationship systems coaching movement. Kira is nationally known for her dynamic and down-to-earth approach guiding individuals and partnerships of all kinds to reach their full potential and expression in the world. She creates breakthroughs for her clients to find new possibilities in work, love and life. Kira works with clients across the globe via telephone and has offices in Arlington Center, MA.

(You may freely copy and forward this article as long as you keep the content intact and unchanged including title, author, copyright notice, text, author by-line, contact information -- www.TheBigGroove.com -- and this notice. )

(c) 2006 Kira McGovern, The Big Groove